Friday, October 24, 2008

Max Payne is a maximum pain to watch...

What was I thinking?

Dull, dull, dull, dull, dull.  Max Payne - The Movie is just a maximum pain to watch.

The plot is paper thin, acting dire, dialogue abysmal and the action as dull as ditch water.
Max Payne film poster
It was my first time in the Cinerama Dome at the Arclight Hollywood and not even that huge screen could help my enjoyment of this joke of a movie.  I'm not sure I was that enamoured with the curved screen in the Dome either. 
Max Payne movie billboard
Poor Mark Wahlberg, I truly hope they paid you a bucket load of cash to play this role as this is a new low for you (I mean you didn't even get your kit off, how come that wasn't written into your contract?).  

Max Payne costume worn by Mark Wahlberg
Max Payne costume worn by Mark Wahlberg
What about Chris O'Donnell of Circle of Friends and Batman & Robin fame? He's little more than a punchbag in this film, poor guy.
Max
The film also stars Olga Kurylenko from the new Bond movie, Quantum of Solace, who was also in the dire Hitman, another video game adaption.  She's only really in it for about ten minutes before getting killed off, but let's hope that her run of bad movies doesn't rub off on James Bond in November.  

I also feel sorry for the woman as she's always cast as a hooker or a slutty harlot, so let's hope she can break this stereotype soon.

Assassin Mona Sax costume worn by Mila Kunis in the Max Payne movie
'Mona Sax costume worn by Mila Kunis
But what was I really expecting from a video game adaption?  Did I really hope for a good movie?  Well I certainly expected more than this.  The movie trailer led me to believe it would have great action and special effects and a maybe more of a supernatural element, but they are all in the trailer, so save your money and just watch that instead.  Even the posters for the movie are more exciting than the actual film.

The feeble story is about Detective Max Payne who is out to avenge his murdered wife and baby. The reason she was killed is all wrapped up in the pharmaceutical company that she worked for and the drug (Valkyr) that they developed, which apparently lets the users see dark angels of death, or the mythological Norse Choosers of the Slain, the Valkyries, or some such nonsense. Not even that is explained properly.  

Max Payne movie props
Max is double-crossed by his dad's old cop partner, now head of security for Aesir, the drug company.  To escape being shot he jumps into frozen waters of a New York Harbour and manages to pull himself out, inspired by a vision of his dead wife who tells him it's not his time yet (how predictable), then he takes the body enhancing Valkyr drug and goes on a rampage to get his revenge. 

Next all we get is lots of shooting (which I assume is what the game is all about?). There's very little action to surprise or any stunts to amaze.  It's just dull and uninteresting.
Max Payne movie poster
At the end of the day it's not much of a thriller or shoot-em-up film, it's just bland. 

After the bleakness of Blindness, I really wanted a good old fashioned mindless action movie to lose myself in, but this was a real waste of 100 minutes of my life.

Actually I'm so glad the film was so short as I was struggling to keep awake while watching it, which is never a good sign.

Max Payne movie props
For those of you at all vaguely interested, I also photographed some of the movie costumes and props from the film that were on display in the Arclight Dome's foyer, so enjoy.

Max Payne movie props
I can't even bring myself to rate this movie, so it gets my very first no star rating!  

Let's hope my next choice of film is at least vaguely watchable...

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